Complaining sounds awful. Feel free to insert a different word of your choosing, but at some points you need to be able to let each other know about concerns you have with your spouse.
This question provides a quick way of assessing the health of your marriage:
Are you both able to lovingly complain to each other?
Think about it like customer service
Look at it like a relationship you have with a business you love to shop at. What would you do if they did not offer customer service? What if they said “No returns allowed?” Would you still be able to rely on that store as your main source of food and supplies? How confident would you feel about purchasing an expensive item knowing that they will not allow a return if it is faulty?
If that was my store I would be rather frustrated. I would want to have a good relationship with that store and keep shopping there, but how could I? I would be stuck in a relationship that I want to have.
This is how a spouse feels when they cannot voice concerns with their spouse. They feel trapped. On one hand, you want to be married to your spouse. On the other hand, there is a problem that is too costly to simply overlook and it threatens your ability to commit.
Two questions to ask each other
Consider this, when you walk into your favorite store you know that the customer service desk exists. That is the sign of a good store. It gives you confidence as a consumer. It makes it far easier for you to give them your precious money. The same happens in a healthy marriage. When your spouse feels confident that you will listen to their concerns, they are more likely to give themselves fully to the relationship.
Ask your spouse this question: “Do you feel like you are able to voice your concerns with me without me overreacting or getting defensive?“
Hopefully, they will ask you the same question in return.
Secondly, ask your spouse: “When I voice concerns to you does it sound like I am attacking you?” Once again, hopefully they ask the same question in return.
While many people are afraid of intentionally measuring the health of their marriage, other people want to be proactive and build their marriage on purpose. If that is you, we have a marriage assessment tool that we built that will give you immediate feedback on the health of your marriage directly to your email.
Here is the link for our free marriage assessment: Click here!