Our children have the ability to make us question our sanity. Helping them with behavior problems is certainly an area of great frustration that we can all relate to. I’d like to share a few simple thoughts to help give you clarity and confidence as you navigate a frustrating experience like this, rather than focusing on how to “fix” the child.
A common parenting frustration
A dad reached out to us recently and said, “Our 9-year-old will not listen. We give her a simple command and she won’t do it. I keep coming up with ways of correcting her, but nothing is changing. Do I need to take her to a therapist? I’m afraid they will say she has ADHD.”
The goal of this short article is to help with how to think about a situation like this, not necessarily what to do.
How to think about behavior
Parenting is not about raising kids who do not have problems. You will not raise a problem-free child. All kids have behavior problems. Parenting is about walking with your kids through their problems.
Your child’s problem is your opportunity. Although our child’s problems are immediate annoyances, they are also giving us a chance to help our kids for a lifetime.
There is nothing wrong with you. You get to help your child. Being ashamed or afraid of your child’s problem does not help you be creative in how to help them. Like anything else in life, we need to be open to adjustments. But parents who blame themselves usually respond to problems in unhealthy ways. (For example, some parents will enable their kids, while other parents become too ashamed to reach out and get advice.)
There is nothing strange about your child’s problem. Most human problems are normal. This does not make them ok. It simply means we don’t have to be afraid. Instead of overreacting, or panicking, we can begin to strategize on how to best help our child.
When your child has a behavior problem, it’s simply an opportunity to teach. But teaching is a process, and a process takes time. You don’t have to think of the perfect way to change them immediately. Realize that this process of change will help them for a lifetime. Raising your kids is like being a football coach. There are many practices and games, and the coach is continually improving the team in order to be ready for the playoffs. In parenting we have many opportunities to practice things in order to help our children be ready for adulthood.
If you’re experiencing a situation like this and would like specific advice on what to do, reach out to my wife Adena through email at adena@markdelaney.me.