Everyone faces seasons of struggle in marriage, but Christians face some unique ones. We have high hopes, deep faith, and strong convictions yet we often end up blindsided by the reality of life together.
Let’s talk honestly about why.
Being shocked by our spouses’ weaknesses.
Everyone is flawed in some way. Even the people who seem to have it all together have areas in their lives that are significant areas of weakness. But most people hide their weakness well. So we can believe the best of what we see in others, but at the same time,, we don’t know how to deal with the worst that we see in our spouse.
Your spouse and my spouse have areas of weakness. So do you and I. It seems to be pretty easy to have mercy and understanding for the problems that our friends and co-workers have. We should question why we allow ourselves to judge our spouse for having problems.
Being unprepared for marriage.
As Christians, we have a unique kind of confidence. We might think that knowing God means we will not have troubles. We may think, “This is the person God called me to marry.” This may cause us to think that it will be a walk in the park.
This confidence can also cause us to think we don’t need to get any help before marriage. We may think, “Why would I need help? God has called me to this, so it is going to work!”
Most people do very little preparation with ‘how’ to be married. We invest heavily in a 12 minute ceremony and a 2 hour reception, but we put very little thought into how to build a life together.
Fear of being judged by other people in the church.
We could camp out on this one for a while. I have been in the church my whole life, so I have a lot of thoughts on this. Every church is full of people who have acknowledged the mess of their lives. But it feels like the church is full of people who have no messes in their lives.
I have attended large churches that offer prayer at the front of the auditorium after services. Although a couple of thousand people were in the service, only one or two people would go forward for prayer. Instead, when we show up for church gatherings, we put on our best clothes… and our best smiles.
That one situation is a microcosm of what it’s like in many churches. Although the church is full of people who acknowledge their need for God, it’s hard for people to share about their messes. The primary reason for this is the fear that we have of how people will respond.
Most people are horrified at the thought of people in the church knowing about their personal problems. Marriage problems feel like the most embarrassing of all.
Dysfunctional beliefs about sex.
People who are raised in the church are taught about the dangers of sex before marriage, but most are not taught how to cultivate a powerful sex life after marriage. We fear the dangers of sex, but do not know how to make it a special and powerful part of our lives.
Dysfunctional thinking causes a lot of fear and insecurity concerning sex. The easiest thing to do is to avoid having sex. Many people see pornography as the biggest problem within the church that is harming marriages.
In my work with men, I have heard a common theme. One man said it this way. “Before marriage, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, and we couldn’t wait for sex. But now…we haven’t kissed on the lips in years.”
I have asked many men what they like about porn. The most common answer I hear is “The woman on the screen wants it.”
Although porn is certainly a threat, what if passionless, sexless marriages are the biggest problem facing Christian marriages?
We see our problems as normal and our spouses’ problems as evil.
One wife said this: “I am concerned that my husband’s problem with pornography is going to invite evil spirits into our house.” On the other hand, this woman is living a life where she is dominated and controlled by fear. It has been a part of her lineage. She is concerned that his behavior is dangerous, but she does not see the danger of her issues with fear.
Jesus warned against trying to help someone with a speck of dust in their eye when you have an entire plank of wood in your own eye. We all have a tendency to do this. We get comfortable with our struggle, and we compensate for it, but we don’t want the aggravation of our spouse’s problem. We are not tempted by the things our spouse is tempted by, so it is easy for us to look at them and be disgusted and judgmental.
I spoke with a couple who overcame issues with pornography in their marriage. The wife explained the role she played in the restoration process. She said that two things changed in her thinking. “First of all, I decided that I should be against pornography with him, instead of against him because of pornography. Secondly, I realized that my problem with chocolate cake isn’t very different from his problem with porn.”
Comparing how our spouses act in normal life to how spiritual leaders act on platforms during church.
I heard a young husband talk about how he wishes his wife was like the female worship leaders he sees on the platform at church. He does not know what these ladies are like when they leave the platform. I have known many people who perform well on stages, but offer nothing off of it. He fails to see the specialness of his wife because he is fantasizing about what it would be like to be married to a “worship leader.”
I have also heard of a wife who idolizes a TV preacher and thinks he is amazing. She is married to an extremely hard working, godly man who lays his life down to provide for her and the kids. If he wants to have a hobby, she says he is wasting time and should be more serious in his spare time. Of course, she does not know the TV preacher. Behind the scenes, he may be wasting more time and money than any of us. She only sees his TV image.
Christians struggle to know how to live out the faith outside of the church building.
Since the beginning of time, it has been a struggle to know how to live out the principles of Scripture in our real lives. Every religious group has its set of rules on what we should wear and how we should act. Every religious group also has some type of gathering. We usually sing for a while, pray for a moment, listen to some preaching, and then pray or sing again.
It’s simple to follow along and do your part in a church service. But then we all go back to our normal homes and normal jobs. What does it look like to walk with God in the normal spaces of our lives? We have always struggled with this.
I am currently writing a book on this topic, but I will leave you with this one thought. We understand what to do with God in the church building, but we don’t know what to do for God once we leave. This confusion shows up in our marriage as well. Recently, I spoke with a man who told me how he explains the Bible to his wife. It was painful to hear how he uses Scripture to manipulate her to do what he wants her to do. He thinks he is being godly, but he is actually using the Bible to be selfish and manipulative.
Unrealistic expectations concerning spirituality.
What does it mean to be spiritual? Some people would say that prayer is spiritual, reading the Bible is spiritual, and going to church is spiritual. The effort to be spiritual can make it difficult to exist with other people…including our spouse. A husband told me that he questioned his wife about how much she is reading the Bible. His wife is a very faithful and servanthearted person who loves to care for the needs of her family and others. To me, her actions are beautiful and powerful spiritual actions. But she felt like her husband was judging her and accusing her of not doing a good job of walking with God because she wasn’t studying the Bible well enough.
In many Christian marriages, I have found that one person loves to read the Bible, but their spouse is more engaged in just living it out every day. One spouse wakes up to pray and read the Bible, while the other wakes up to make breakfast and pack lunch for the kids. Who is being more spiritual?
Another wife was disappointed in her husband because he said something shocking. They were deciding on what devotional book they would read together. He said, “I don’t like devotionals.” She was shocked. But why?
Chasing after religious things but avoiding the simple acts of service with our own spouse.
This is devastating. Imagine being married to someone who stands on a stage and preaches inspiring stories about love, but is impatient and rude with their own family.
I was having a conversation with a 12 year old autistic boy. I asked him, “What’s more important, loving God or loving people?” He said…loving God. I then asked, “What’s the best way of loving God?” He quickly responded and said….loving people.
Some people believe that the most important things are the things we do for God. We can fall into the trap of thinking that “ministry” is more important than serving our own families well.
One day, I sat across from a 60 year old man. He is the kind of man whom everyone loves. He is easy to love. When he sees you, he will smile big and wrap his big arms around you. The day we spoke, he had tears run down his cheeks as he said, “Before I die, all I want is for my wife to show me she loves me.” They have been married for over 30 years. He explained how hard it is for her to show any affection. He also told me about the Bible study she leads for women. It would be better for her to close her Bible and go home to hug her husband.
Christians get really bad advice and counsel on how to fix their marriage problems.
My wife and I help people with marriage, but we have an uncommon approach. After a couple of meetings, we often hear people say, “We were afraid you were going to tell us to pray and read the Bible more.”
Church leaders have a lot of responsibility. They do not have the time to be experts at helping people with marriage. Many church leaders are struggling in their own marriages. Most church leaders are not equipped for helping people with marriage.
Many marriage problems remind me of the story of Adam and Eve. They started out naked and unashamed, but after the apple incident, they bolted to the bushes in an attempt to cover up the shame. In the bushes, they made fig leaves to further cover themselves. Adam and Eve lost who they were with God and who they were with each other.
This same thing happens in marriage. An incident occurs, and it changes how we think about our spouse. It changes how we see ourselves. The big mistake I see is that spouses spend years focusing on the “apple incident.” Instead of focusing on the bigger picture of our entire lives, we can’t stop fighting about who caused the fall. The problem gets bigger and bigger, while our love grows colder and colder.
We live in fear of another apple tree showing up, but we are blind to how we are hiding in bushes and wearing fig leaves. We have lost our freedom and our ability to love, but we don’t even realize it. We are too busy fighting over the apple incident.
I hope this content has been helpful. There is nothing more painful than a broken marriage. But a cold, passionless marriage is not far behind. It doesn’t have to stay that way. The good news is that we don’t need to fix our marriage…but we need to change how we think. When we change how we think…it changes how we live. After all, Scripture says we are transformed by the renewing of our minds.
Like with most problems people have, we often need an outside set of eyes to help us shine a light on the way out of a dark place. If you and your spouse are ready to live a different life, reach out for a free discovery call here to see if we can help.
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