When You See a Struggling Man
When a man is struggling, it often shows up in messy, even frightening ways—drinking, anger, gambling, affairs, addiction. For a wife, this is deeply painful. On one hand, you want to help him. On the other, you know you must protect yourself and your children.
Before you decide what to do, it’s important to ask: Is he depraved, or is he deprived?
Depraved vs. Deprived
A depraved man is morally corrupt and hardened. He embraces wrongdoing, has no remorse, and resists anything good. Protecting yourself from such a man is essential.
A deprived man, however, is not wicked at the core. He is starving for things his heart desperately needs:
- A passionate pursuit – Like a boy in the sandbox or a teen on the football field, he longs to be part of something purposeful.
- Respect – He knows his limits and failures. He needs voices that help him stand tall and lead with courage.
- To be wanted – A good man loves to serve, but he also longs to be shown that he is valued and desired.
- Adventure – He needs space to play, explore, and feel alive, not just to grind at work.
Why Deprivation Looks Like Depravity
When these deep needs go unmet, a good man can look very much like a bad man.
- A man without purpose may numb himself with alcohol.
- A man without adventure may chase gambling or risk-taking.
- A man who doesn’t feel wanted may fall for attention from another woman.
This doesn’t excuse destructive choices. But it does explain why many men who are labeled as depraved are, in truth, simply deprived.
Heart Hunger Is Real
When people are physically malnourished, they do desperate things. A man lost at sea may drink his own urine. Someone lost in the woods may eat bugs. We understand their desperation because we see their hunger.
But we often fail to recognize heart hunger. A man deprived of meaning, respect, love, and joy will act out of desperation too. His choices may be ugly, but they are symptoms of a deeper emptiness.
How I Approach Struggling Men
Here is the framework I use:
- Focus on the heart first.
- Put little focus on wrong behavior.
- Help a man recognize unmet needs.
- Remind him of his purpose and walk with him toward it.
A Word to Wives
If you are married to a struggling man, don’t throw him away too quickly. Ask first: is he depraved, or is he deprived?
- If he is depraved, you must protect yourself and seek support to know how to move forward safely.
- If he is deprived, you may have a role to play in his healing and transformation. But you will also need support, because no wife can carry this alone.
Just as cold water relieves great thirst, the nourishment of the heart can bring powerful transformation. Men who are deprived do not have to stay that way. With truth, support, and purpose, they can be restored.
So before you judge a struggling man, ask the deeper question: Is he depraved…or simply deprived?
👉 For more encouragement, here’s a podcast episode where I talk with a man who was in the middle of this struggle: Click Here